Letting Go Of Control and Embracing Vulnerability

The life of Holly...a look behind the scenes

If you would have told me back in 2005 when I was graduating from the University of Colorado, Boulder, that at the age of 30 I would be single, living in Medford, OR {which just so happens to be the 3rd worst place in the nation for singles, as well as having the 4th highest  divorce rate}, I probably would have laughed at you in disbelief.  Why!? Because I had my life perfectly planned out, and by the age of 30 I would be married, with 2, perhaps 3 children.  

I have gone through the season of weddings, where I have stood by my friends as they walked down the aisle to start a new journey with the love of their life.  Nothing brings me more joy than to celebrate this wonderful occasion, and happiness, with each of my friends.  I have also gone through the season of new parenthood, as my friends have welcomed precious lil ones into the world, giving me my most cherished title, auntie.  I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, I love celebrating in the joy, happiness, and blessings of my friends, but recently I have been asking myself, "when is it my turn?" "Will this ever happen for me?"

My life is truly overflowing with blessings, but I have realized recently that this void is starting to {occasionally} rob me of joy on the inside.  Tears have been cried as I ask myself, "What is wrong with me?"  As my own toughest critic, I find myself chiseling away at my self-esteem, focusing on what I perceive to be my flaws and failures, losing sight of the fact that I was perfectly created {everything about me} in God's image.  The more time that passes, the more hopeless the situation appears. I find myself questioning if I am being too picky; instead of having it all, do I need to choose between attractive and fun, or nice and respectful, as though all 4 would be too many characteristic traits for one person to have?  I start questioning, "was he really that bad!? I mean, someone is better than no one, right!?"  I've reached the point where I have taken the situation into my own hands with the perfect fairy tail ending in site, rather than wanting to sit and wait for God's perfect plan, in his perfect timing.  I am {well working on being} willing to delay instant affirmation for a relationship that is full of life. 

God has blessed me with the desire of my heart to be a wife and mother, and I am working on letting go of control, embracing vulnerability and fully trusting the Lord, as I know His plans are far greater than and beyond anything I could imagine. I am not looking for my idea of perfection, rather for the  Lord's idea of perfection, and I do not want to settle for less than God's best for me.

With all of that being said, if you would have told me back in 2005 when I was graduating from the University of Colorado, Boulder, that at the age of 30 I would have a job that is one of the biggest blessings in my life working for the garbage company,  and I would be the President of 2 non-profit organizations, a CASA, a runner for two amazing companies {traveling the country running and making new, lifetime friendships through all of it}, a marathoner and a {half} Ironman Triathlete...all while being surrounded by the best friends and family a person could ask for,  I also probably wouldn't have believed you! My life is overflowing with blessings, and while somedays I find myself questioning and doubting things, I wholeheartedly strive to live each and everyday in the now, fully embracing & appreciating every opportunity that comes my way. As I live my life to the fullest, I pray I can touch and enhance the lives of others along the way as well.

I know that God is bigger than a statistic, has a truly amazing love story planned for me, and ensures all things work together for His good.  

So I wait, for God's best for me....