My race results do not reflect what I know I am truly capable of. My race results do not reflect what is taking place during my training.
I approach the start line excited, confident in my abilities, but then it all falls apart. It wasn't until my last race that 2 words came to mind....RACE. ANXIETY! This is a foreign concept to me, because as a competitive swimmer for over 10 years, I was a slacker at practice {the one whose goggles were always leaking, pulling on the lane lines while doing backstroke, turning around in the middle, etc...you get the picture} but did great come competition time. Qualifying for state, regionals and more; I loved racing! And was successful at it. This {RUNNING} RACING thing is a whole new ball game for me...
Why do I run faster on a saturday morning at 5 am, on 4 hours of sleep, following a crazy hectic week than I do when I am tapered, rested and have the excitement of a race to motivate me?
When I first started running, it was strictly for fun. An opportunity to run with my dad, to run with friends, and to travel occasionally. Then it turned into more. I had goals. I started following a training plan. I hired a coach. I wanted to compete.
My last race, and in all honestly several prior to that, opened my eyes to my personal struggles with racing. While I knew I was capable of running the paces I discussed with my coach, they made me nervous. Made me doubt myself. They consumed my thoughts. And as soon as I {thought I} couldn't maintain them, my race was mentally, and therefore, physically, over. I couldn't get back in the game. I wanted to be done. There was no plan B. The last half was a walk/run combo, as I felt completely defeated. I gave up. It was a mental battle, that I lost. I crossed the finish line emotionally numb. It wasn't that emotional, tear inducing feeling as if I left everything out on the course, but still fell short of my goal. Rather, I was embarrassed. Truly ready to completely throw in the towel on this whole running thing. I felt defeated.
BUT...I am not throwing in the towel. I am not giving up. I am determined to figure this out, and what a great day it is going to be when I am finally able to successfully put it all together.
It has been several weeks since the race {yes...I am finally blogging about it, I know!} and I have had time to reflect etc. and to come up with an answer to everyone's infamous question of "Why?" {when hearing I had a rather disappointing race}. When is comes to racing, my mind is my greatest enemy; and I am a huge believer in the power, both good & bad, of the mind. My training no longer focuses solely on my physical strength, but also my mental strength. I am building the needed confidence to race MY race, that I know I am capable of. I am channelling my inner competitiveness for good, focusing on competing only with myself, my goals, and my PRs.
I love running and I look forward to loving racing. It WILL happen!
